The 9 Secrets of Happy Couples

Love two: In a world where 40 percent of marriages end in divorce, can not help noticing them. You can, at the end of each sentence or laugh at some dark corner of a Chinese restaurant. She looked so beautiful in sync, and do not work for some will be easy. Of course, there was no sex ever, especially after you factor in the built-in pressures of life, such as time limits on the promise of work, washing and the dentist of your daughter.

But, says Jane Greer, Ph.D., a resident of Redbook online sex and relationship expert, there are certain core values ​​that make your wedding more intimate and more powerful than others. You can probably guess the list: trust, honor its commitments, as well as and a strong sense of "us" in the relationship. What is surprising, experts say, is that when you order a husband and wife gently on the keys of his devotion, repeatedly heard the same things, certain practices that reflect these values. Learning these secrets can make your marriage more closely, too.

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A. They use terms of affection

Sure, you may find cloying when you hear from other couples as a year of 2, but unfortunately the word is actually a sign of a healthy relationship.

"The names of pets glad you took your child has been or wants to have," says Manhattan-based family therapist Carolyn Perla, Ph.D. "They point to a safe and supportive environment." And today, as we reach the limit trying to juggle work and children, "a pet name for giving us the opportunity to lower our guard, to be weak and innocent. And make us feel close to each other. "

It was also the same feeling of intimacy with a special tone of voice, they share a silly "inside joke", or pet name the private parts of your partner's body. The point is to connect some of the private messaging system that is meaningful to your account, as a couple - not the outside world. "It's kind of chaos that is the statement that you are comfortable with each other and the relationship," said Dr. Pearl.

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2. They do things together

When the feeling of falling in love crazy pheromones smoothly and that the happy couple does not spend all day in bed, look spectacular. They started the business, fix the attic or take cooking together.

Of all the variables in a relationship, from the commitment to communication - the number of couples having fun together is the most important factor in determining the happiness of the couple as a whole are, as a baseline to Howard Markman , Ph.D., codirector of the Center for the Study of Marriage and Family at the University of Denver. The time spent playing together, says Dr. Markman, is "an investment in the relationship," which provides a relaxed approach that strengthens the bond between two people. So even if your life is not going to panic, take time to play. And do something to eliminate the interference. Let your children with a babysitter, pager and cell phone trench. The activity is not found in the detailed or costly. Exercise together, antique shops, or rent a classic movie can help bring two more.

3. When things get tough, they call Mom or Dad

The first task facing all young couples who are separated from their family of origin, based in San Francisco showed the family researcher Judith Wallerstein region, Ph.D. This does not mean you do not have to go home for the holidays. But if there is a crisis about whether there is a second child or move for a new job, or even if there is good news about a large increase or the results of medical tests, talk of this mixture before Call the mother. "You would not believe how many divorced people started saying," It's not mine ', or' mother always comes first, "Dr. Wallerstein noted.

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4. Remain connected to their parents

No, not conflict. 3: You can talk to his mother every day and still not clear about where it ends the attachment and start your love for your partner.

"Keep in touch with parents, siblings, cousins ​​and the like can be great for weddings, as it gives a sense of continuity of the family," said Dr. Greer. "It generates positive emotions, especially when you include your spouse in the family. You share your part of each other. "

5. They do not nickel and dime on the duties of

It's no secret that most women will continue to do more housework and the Department of parenting with her husband. However, when partners will be a double-entry bookkeeping, the addition of each washing dishes and changing diapers each, which may be in trouble.

"Most couples think they have to fight for a 50-50 relationship," observes Dr. Pearl, "but really, everyone should give 150 percent. In a good relationship, the couple did everything they could, they do not nickel and dime each other and respect each gave a different thing. "

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6. Against constructive

There's a fight and then there was a fight. When the couple began to scream and throw things, while the rake of each complaint they have had (or "kitchen sink" as a husband usually calls it), you can be sure they are celebrating their silver anniversary together. "Studies show that the number of couples handle conflict is the most important factor in determining whether or not they stay together," said Polly Young-Eisendrath, Ph.D., clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of Vermont.

"Happy couples learn the art of constructive discussion," says Dr. Markman, whose research has shown that it is possible to predict if the couple divorce dispute after seeing them for 10 or 15 minutes. In a strong marriage, said the partners to control their disagreement by establishing ground rules. They may, for example, by mutual agreement to call time out if the conflict is increasing and non-productive, agreed to continue discussions after the period of reflection. Also truly listen to others and not premature to try to resolve problems before they listen to others. More importantly, no matter how angry they are, do not take insults and slander - the main danger signs, said Dr. Markman.

7. They give each other gifts

Couples who are very often connected to give the other presents or write little notes, said Thomas Moore, Ph.D., bestselling author of Care of the Soul. What they do is follow the ritual and magic, their courtship.

The gifts are not to bring the chain. I once came home from work to find that his wife has prepared a candlelight dinner. "But is not configured to be a prelude to sex," Sarah said with a smile. "John did it because I wanted to feel loved."

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8. Never lose your sense of humor

The humor, as a psychotherapist widely followed, Krazy glue that keeps the couple. When couples can not laugh together, Dr. Moore says, is a sign that the soul is not in their marriage and they are problems.

However, Dr. Moore is quick to point out that never make fun of couples light between them. They know instinctively what is - and not a fair game. "Sam would never think of making fun of my big butt," says Catherine.

9. They take "for better or for worse" seriously

The happy couple to fulfill their part of the miseries of life - whether it is a car breaking down, a bad cold or a missed promotion - but they help each other to pass. There is, for example, to hear them say, "How can you let that happen?" When a spouse loses his job. "Couples do well together is unlikely to do anything that increases the suffering of their partners, to be angry or critical," says Dr. Young-Eisendrath. In a good marriage, people who feel safe from the outside world. Married to the other, emphasizes Dr. Greer, is a feeling, "I can count on you, our world is good."

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